I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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