I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
