I think I died a long time ago.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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