I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
