just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
