So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
