Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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