I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Found your dick twin last night
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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