Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize