im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
