I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Randomize
