i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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