i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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