Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
