what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
