A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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