So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
