The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Floor bacon is actually really good
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
So here I am, sexting at work.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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