i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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