you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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