Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
