I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
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