Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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