I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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