I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
