There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Don't make out with my wife yet
Is it because I queefed?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
