OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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