Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
