Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
