I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
