cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
