she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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