there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
