My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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