the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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