do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
