The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
