so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
