I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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