Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
