I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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