My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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