I wish my penis had an off switch
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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