Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
