So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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