I checked into jail on foursquare
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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