sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
