I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
