FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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