just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
