just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
