just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
