So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
