i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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