your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
