Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
