amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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