we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize