The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
