Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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