My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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