just tell him i said nine months
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
