I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
