someone threw a dead crab at me
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
