just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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