If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
