My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
