I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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