i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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