Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
